Maladaptation || Benji

Monday, January 3, 1921
The study tables near the back
5:14 PM

They'd returned the day before, and Rae hadn't been able to face anyone. It was why she'd begged Billie not to put her on the train. It was why they'd floo-ed over to Hogsmeade and why she'd stubbornly made the trek on foot, having missed the earlier carriages, unwilling to regret her decision. Dinner skipped, she'd gotten herself a late-night snack when she was sure there was no one around to see. All evening, the girl had scurried around the castle, hiding in the shadows with Echo her only company.

When morning came, she pretended she'd overslept, her blankets held firmly over her while her dormmates tried to yank her from her bed. They'd meant well, as they always did, but she couldn't.

Classes were equally impossible. She hid all day.

Rae felt decidedly unlike herself. She was uncomfortable in her skin...skin that didn't look much like hers. The wild curls that typically fell messily about her shoulders had been tamed. Lathered, oversteamed, and pressed down until they could only hang limply, all charm and personality gone. The girl had been told that she looked better now, more ...palatable. They'd said no one would know. But she knew. She didn't feel like the finished product of careful work and beauty; she felt wrong. This wasn't her. None of this was, but they'd been clear that 'her' wasn't okay, that 'her' wasn't acceptable, and that this was who she was meant to be.

The conflicting messages were difficult to reconcile. She supposed she was meant to be ...happy...that she looked this way...more like them...more like him.

But she wasn't.

Her soul screamed of violation without any lingering evidence of abuse. There had been no violence, nothing overt, nothing tangible, yet the girl felt as if some line had been crossed somewhere she couldn't see but could feel.

Billie had been pissed. She'd been called away on an emergency shortly after they'd arrived at the estate. When she'd returned days later to the sight of a pale child with bone straight hair, it had been all the woman could do to contain herself. Her mother promised everything would return to normal with time. Until then, Rae recoiled at the very thought of being seen by anyone who knew her.

It was one thing to be paraded before strangers who couldn't pick her out of a clump of multi-coloured wool and another to be around people who, like her, knew this wasn't her.

Ridiculous. Yes, that was the word. She felt ridiculous. Ridiculous...and ugly. An imposter walking around with the face of Ruth Elliot and nothing more.

With the merciful excuse of winter, Rae showed up for her library shift in a coat with the hood pulled over her head and a scarf wrapped around her neck. She'd kept her head down, barely saying a word to the student she was releasing from their duty before grabbing a scrapper and heading for the further study area. There wasn't a soul who would be able to convince her to work the front desk, not even Julia herself. She knew she couldn't keep hiding forever and was trying to force herself out again, but even then, she wasn't trying to be seen.

Rae crawled beneath the table, looking for any signs of gum that may have been carelessly stuck beneath there. When that was done, she would scour the area for books that needed returning and spend the remainder of her shift doing that.

Dinner...she was still considering.

He hadn't seen her at all.

She wasn't on the train. She hadn't been at dinner. Or breakfast or lunch. She'd skipped all her classes. The boy was to the point of thinking she hadn't returned; that maybe her father had decided to keep her in the states for good, rather than returning her to Hogwarts where she belonged. Surely Ms. Billie wouldn't have allowed it - Rae was her daughter, first and foremost, but...

He didn't know how these things worked.

It was a turning in his stomach that only grew as the second day went on into the late afternoon. If his girlfriend wasn't here anymore...did he still have one? She hadn't written to say she wasn't returning, but she also hadn't written to say she was. What would he do without her? She was his best friend, the one he did everything with. He had Matilda and Ren and the others, but...it was Rae. He'd never known a life at Hogwarts without her. Even when they hadn't been speaking, she was still there, on the periphery but there.

It made him nervous to think of anything different.

Rosie had scheduled him for the first evening shift back, much to his annoyance, but he wasn't willing to argue with her or try to get out of it, knowing what a bad state she was in. It had wrecked him, genuinely, to see his cousin so torn apart, even after she'd run to his mum and told her everything he had be doing with Cassian. He was irritated with her, but had no desire to try and make things worse. She was in her own type of hell, and now apparently, so was he.

Crazy how all the Laurences seemed to have nothing but relationship issues.

He dropped his book satchel on the information desk, and decided to stroll around a bit to see what needed to be done, when his eyes caught sight of a small figure huddled underneath one of the tables, eyeballing it for...gum he assumed.

When brown eyes flicked at him, his breath caught in his throat. Rae. She...she was here?

"What the fuck?" he said, louder than he meant to, as a bauble shushed him with impatience. He rushed over to the table and hunched down, barely noticing that she was wearing her winter coat and scarf indoors. He was just glad to see her. He thought.

"Where the hell have you been?" he hissed, almost angrily, grabbing her by the wrist as he peered at her in her hiding space. "You didn't think to come find me and tell me you were alright?"

She should've checked the roster. In her hurry to be away from the front desk and the eyes of too many, Rae never realised that Benji had been slated for the same hour. It was easy to avoid the others. On any given day, depending on who else worked the library, Rae either had buddies to chat the hour away with--despite the annoyance and pestering of the baubles--or she had quiet shifts that were so agonisingly dull that death seemed more preferable.

In her current state, she'd have preferred the latter, and at first, it seemed she would have it. Then she saw him. Brown met hazel in a clash that sent her heart immediately hammering in her chest and had the girl trying to pull further beneath the table. She knew he'd seen her, even while she hoped he wouldn't. Rae said several prayers, hoping against all odds that the glance hadn't been enough for him to realise it was her.

"What the fuck?"

It was nothing more than wishful thinking. In seconds, Benji had closed the gap. The boy hurried over to the table, crouching to be at eye level with her.

She didn't know what to do, what to say, how to begin explaining--whether she should explain at all. The pounding inside her chest increased, resembling the thundering sound of war horses crossing a plain. Trying to ignore it and him, Rae turned back to the underside of the table, busying herself with a few scrapes as if she didn't notice her boyfriend hunched just outside of the table expectantly.

"Where the hell have you been?"

He grabbed her by the wrist, holding too firmly for her to pull away.

"You didn't think to come find me and tell me you were alright?"

She looked at their hands, her stomach churning at the way they now matched. "Let go." Rae tugged, but he tugged harder, keeping her hand in his. With her panic rising, she switched the scraper to her other hand and tried stubbornly to continue as if nothing were wrong, as if her world wasn't spinning from this new, dysphoric state. "I was going to come find you later," she lied, fixing her eyes on the dried gum. "There was...I had a lot to do when I got back...and...and..." Her words faltered, tapering off to nothing.

What did she even say?

She'd avoided the only person she wanted to throw herself at, the one person she knew could make her feel better over this growing fear of how she would have first have to be seen by him. She couldn't, not while she looked like this.

"Better look busy before one of the heads finds work for you."

"Let go."

He wouldn’t. As a rule, Benji typically tried not to manhandle Rae or touch her in any way she didn’t want him to. He despised boys that used their physical strength to try and intimidate or overpower girls, and he did his best to listen whenever she asked him to leave her alone. But it had been a rough Christmas break, for him and he assumed for her.

He hadn’t wanted her to go, but hadn’t tried to sway anything. He knew he had zero power over where she went and what she did, especially now that she had a powerful father calling the shots. James had all but laid the law down with him in regards to Ruth, and the boy had realized he needed to take a step back from the possessiveness he felt over her.

It didn’t mean he didn’t worry. It didn’t mean he wasn’t nervous what her trip to the states had meant, and if she’d even come back.

Now, seeing her here, as though he hadn’t mattered at all to her set him off in a strange way that he didn’t know how to reconcile. He was happy - thrilled even - to see her, relieved that she seemed okay, but…what was all the hiding about?

He held tighter to her wrist, almost uncomfortably tight as she tried to tug away from him.

"I was going to come find you later. There was...I had a lot to do when I got back...and...and..."

She wouldn’t even look at him, keeping her eyes steady on the…gum she was scraping. What the hell was going on?

"Better look busy before one of the heads finds work for you."

Huh? “Rae…” Why was she acting like this? Did…did her father say something to her about seeing him? James had certainly said a lot. And while Benji would heed his uncle’s warnings and behave, he had no intention of leaving her alone. Had her father convinced her otherwise?

His eyes trailed down to her wrist, realizing how tight he was holding her, and then -

He paused, not quite sure he was seeing what he was. Maybe it was the trick of the light or - no. She…she was the same color as him. Not even paler due to it being winter but, there was an actual change to her tone. He turned her hand over to get a better look, before his eyes drifted back up to her face. She was noticeably whiter. All the beautiful gold flecks of her tan skin were just gone, replaced by ivory that wasn’t hers and only did a disservice to her features.

What - what had happened? “What did he do to you?” Benji asked quietly, nudging her over to climb under the table with her. He loosened his grip on her wrist, instead trying to slink his arm around her waist to pull her closer. There was no need to ask if she was okay.

His beautiful girl obviously wasn’t.

He wasn't leaving. Of course, he wasn't. Benji, in all things, was a stubborn boy. While it aggravated her to no end in many situations, it had also been one of her favourite things about him. For better or for worse, once Benji made up his mind about something, there were very few things that could change it. He remained firm and passionate in his convictions, even at the risk of her fire.

Desperate as she was for him to let her go, there was a part of her relieved that he hadn't. So many things had changed, but not him, not her Benji, who'd promised her no walking away. The boy held tightly to her, and she managed to find solace in the discomfort of his grip. While the rest of the world felt like it was falling away from her, the desperation in the way he held her anchored her beneath that table. It confirmed to her that the entire world hadn't gone topsy-turvy but that a degree of normalcy and familiarity remained somewhere.

She stopped fighting his pull, allowing her hand to fall limply in his. In the last two weeks, Rae had fought so many battles. This wasn't one she was willing to take on. Benji wasn't the person she was interested in resisting.

Glancing away from the gum, Rae saw the moment realisation crept into those hazel eyes she'd stared into a thousand times. She watched, a stab of panic shooting through her chest, as his expression changed to one of confusion and something else she couldn't quite read.

She recoiled again, anxiety warning her that it had already begun. He'd seen her. There was no hiding anymore, and the girl was wholly unprepared.

Rae went easily when he nudged her, making room for the boy as the gum finally fell loose. It hit the ground soundlessly, already forgotten as she turned to begin scraping at another piece.

The arm wrapped around her waist broke her. There had been more nights than she cared to admit, where she'd lain awake in her bed, wishing to be wrapped in the scent of licorice and fresh grass, and where she was enveloped by his warmth in a place so noticeably cold in a manner that had nothing to do with the winter.

Dropping the scraper, Rae curled into him. Her need to shy away from his gaze for fear of what he might do when he saw her was overwhelmed--beaten down--by the fierce desire to be held by him and told that some of this would still be okay.

“What did he do to you?”

Rae wiped stubbornly at her eyes. All winter break, the girl had made a point to not shed a single tear. This seemed a poor time to start after the strength she'd mustered throughout the holidays. "I hate them," she declared. "I hate him and his stupid estate and his bitch wife and their fucking children." The angrier she got, the cloudier her vision grew, forcing her to wipe at her eyes a second time.

"For the love of god, stay out of the sun when you return."

"Don't let your hair fall into that state again."

"I'll be receiving you for a portion of the Easter holidays. I trust you won't have forgotten everything I said since then."

She buried her face in the crook of his neck, wanting to disappear into the boy in the hopes of feeling more like herself. "I've never felt so...so..." She couldn't find the words. Rather, she could, but the girl couldn't bring herself to give voice to them for fear it would cement them as truth. If she said what they did, if she spoke them aloud...then...then it would become even more real than she'd been forced to acknowledge it was.

"You should've seen it, Benji," she continued, her voice growing soft with uncertainty or grief. "They changed everything...acted like everything was wrong with me...then they..'fixed' it." Then told her she was meant to be thrilled.

But how? How could anyone be thrilled about something like this?

She was killing him.

Benji felt his heart crack as she curled into him, catching a glimmer of the tears that had wet her eyelashes. If there was one thing he hated more than anything else in this earth, it was watching Rae cry. The girl was so strong, so stubborn, so dedicated to the appearance of being unbreakable, that when she finally did give in to the harder emotions, he knew it had to be bad.

“I’m here love,” he said, wrapping his other arm around her and holding her tightly. He wanted to fix whatever it was, knew he had to try, but for the moment he’d just let her cry it out. He could get to plotting her father’s ass kicking afterwards. Long afterwards. When he was an adult and James couldn’t make him feign politeness anymore.

It would take awhile, but the man could enjoy his life in complete ignorance for the face-pummeling that someday awaited him.

"I hate them. I hate him and his stupid estate and his bitch wife and their fucking children."

“Then we both do,” he insisted, kissing the top of her head. Whatever she hated, so did he, and Benji could hate with the best of them. In fact, Benji was so good at holding a grudge, he often held them for other people on their behalf. Oftentimes without them knowing. She wiped at her tears again, and he brought his thumb up to catch a tear that had escaped her determined hand.

"They changed everything...acted like everything was wrong with me...then they..'fixed' it."

Benji felt his stomach turn over, mulling over the words that spelled out what had happened. So they’d seen something wrong in her skin color - and changed it. The white hot rage that suddenly filled the boy was unreal. He wasn’t an idiot. He wasn’t colorblind. Benji was aware the challenges and prejudices Rae faced, simply due to the natural color of her skin. He could never understand; he wouldn’t of course. It was never something he’d have to face, but he could be angry for her and understand the injustice of it. It was something the world held in its cruelty. It wasn’t supposed to come from her family.

Then again, blood didn’t make you a family.

“Fuck them,” he almost growled and hooked his finger under her chin to make her look at him. Those beautiful deep brown eyes, dark like rich mahogany, like the finest coffee, remained unchanged. Her soul still stared out from behind them, peering into his own. “We’ll figure out something,” he said, not sure of what. “Julia, she’s gotta know something.” His fingers trailed over her hand, as he swallowed hard.

“You’re perfect.” He brought both hands up to cup her face. “You know that, right? There’s nothing wrong with you. You’re the prettiest girl in the world.” He needed her to hear him, to know he meant every word. He paused for a moment, “What else? You said they changed everything.”

She was not crying and had no intention of fully surrendering to the heaviness inside her chest that made it hard for her to breathe.

Even after Benji wrapped her up and she could feel the pressure building behind the dam of her resolve, Rae held firm. It was her only defense, the only thing she had left. If the girl allowed herself to really cry, it would mean they'd managed to break her, and she would never forgive herself such a failing. Her strength was all she had left. The moistening in her eyes be damned, Ruth Anaya clung to the stubborn desire to maintain what remained of her tattered dignity.

Rae took a deep breath, trying to steady herself as the boy declared his own hatred of people he'd never met. It was a silly sentiment at face value. Manufactured hate built on principle didn't typically burn as hot as the hatred one gained from experience. Benji could say that his hottest feelings were reserved for them, but without really knowing, it was a hollow sentiment.

And yet, it did make her feel better. It made her feel less alone in this new reality that sought to erase her. He hated them, too. He didn't agree. He didn't think they had the right of it, like nearly everyone else seemed to. Billie notwithstanding, Benji was the first person to make her feel like the hurt and anger she felt were justified--like what had happened to her wasn't a favour or some handout she should've been clamoring for. He made her feel vindicated in her vitriol, like he was standing at the top of the mountain that now blazed, prepared to set the town below on fire with her.

Rae resisted the tug of his fingers, still unwilling and unable to look at him. She had gotten several glimpses of herself in mirrors around the estate since they'd first begun their determined work with their potions. She knew what she looked like and didn't want him seeing her like this.

Somehow, someway, she'd figure it out. The man had warned her off he sun, making it a good place to start despite the problematic location.

“Fuck them. We’ll figure out something. Julia, she’s gotta know something.”

"You think so?" It was worth the risk of being seen. Rae pulled out of his neck, finally allowing his fingers to guide her gaze to his. "You think she might know a potion to reverse this? " Mr. Burke would likely not appreciate the reversal of his hard work. Good. Let him be mad.

He took her face in his hands, and she melted all over again, but it was his words that left her choked up. For a moment, she feared she might cry for real. The prettiest girl in the world. He'd said that a few times before, and she'd always liked hearing it. Now, when she felt anything but, his words touched something deeper.

“What else? You said they changed everything.”

Her stomach dropped. There was a reason she'd covered herself up as much as she had. The girl wasn't in the mood for show and tell. It was her turn to hesitate. Rae took her own pause, pulling further away from him. He'd see it sooner or later. At this point, it would only be delaying the inevitable. She sucked in another deep breath as her fingers clung to the edges of her coat's hood. The girl pulled it back, revealing a head without curls. Her unruly mane had been tamed, flattened into submission, and pulled into a sleek ponytail at the back of her head, where she could neither see nor feel it. She pulled at the scarf, loosening it enough for the hood to completely fall away, never remembering the bruise by her jaw that the woolen fabric had been concealing.

"Can...can Julia fix this, too?"

"You think so? You think she might know a potion to reverse this?"

If anyone would, it would be his mum. She was an endless cache of weird knowledge. He nodded, lightly, convincing himself as much as Rae. "And...if she doesn't, maybe Professor Roan or Professor Battersea?" The potions and transfiguration professors surely had to know something. But Julia was adept at the dark arts and weird ritual shit, so she probably knew something.

Anything to make Rae feel better and like herself again.

He stared at her, watching as she pulled away from him, obviously not wanting to share what else her piece of shit 'father' had done to her. "It's alright, just show me," he coaxed gently, watching as her chest heaved with the breath she took to steady herself. Her hood was gone in the next one, and his eyes softened, a lump catching in his throat.

Her curls. The thing that made Rae so distinguishable, that set her apart from everyone else. The pretty coils that she took so much pride in and loved adorning with flowers. Gone. Straight, flat hair in it's place, pulled back out of her face.

"Can...can Julia fix this, too?"

His lips parted to reassure her, when his expression darkened, gaze narrowing in on a black and blue mark by her jaw. Gingerly, his thumb brushed along the bruise, lingering for a moment, before he shifted his vision to her own. The rage he'd felt a moment ago, realizing they had changed the physical fundamentals of what made Ruth Anaya herself, boiled over into something he could only compare to how he felt when his sister had been made the target of their mother's wrath. It was scorching, devouring every inch of his rationality, even as he forced himself to remain calm and collected.

This wasn't about how he felt. This was about how she felt.

"You didn't comply," he said lowly, more of a statement than a question. She had disobeyed and she'd been hit for it. Something reminiscing a smirk twitched at the corner of his mouth before falling again with the reality of her situation settling over him. This wasn't the time for smug celebrations or defiance. Rae...was in real danger. Her father's methods were cruel, and she had the skin, hair and bruise to show for it.

"Yeah I'm sure she can fix it," he said with a slight shrug and nod, leaving a gentle kiss on her forehead. "And every time you come back from there, we'll fix it again, until they get the message that you're perfect the way you are."

She...wasn't going to her head of house...for anything.

Rae had traded one useless man for another, only this one had weird ideas of what was appropriate to be forced onto students. If she had to take matters into her own hands, she would, but she would ask Julia first. The woman was well-read and powerful with her magic. While nothing done to her was inherently 'dark', being surrounded by books as much as the woman was, maybe she'd come across something like this before. Maybe the fix was simpler than she was even realising. After all, it hadn't been difficult for them to change her, so why would it be difficult for her to change herself back?

Rae sat perfectly still, not daring to move an inch while she waited for Benji to speak. Without the hood to cover her, the girl felt exposed. She wasn't herself--didn't look like herself--and knew it. This wasn't her; this wasn't the girl Benji knew, and a part of her thought that that would make all the difference.

His lips parted. Her breath caught in her throat. It was the first in a long time that Rae felt the boy's response held so much weight. It mattered in a way she didn't want to admit to herself, but she couldn't deny it. If everyone else looked at her like she was different, if everyone else changed the way they treated her or had things to say about her appearance, she could ignore them all...but not him.

Benji mattered, and Rae knew she could suffer a different sort of shattering under his hand.

The silence seemed to stretch on forever while she waited, the boy giving away no indication one way or the other of his leanings.

"You didn't comply."

A dull fire rose in her immediately. "Of course, not," Rae said, her chin lifting a little with that stubborn pride that had earned her the bruise in the first place. It was something to hold onto, something she could cling to while she navigated the sickening swirl of emotions that consumed her. All it took was the reminder of how vehemently she'd opposed to bring back some sense of power and normalcy. "He thinks he can just show up and tell me what to do and who to be. Thinks I'll smile when he says and keep my mouth shut."

She scoffed at the very idea.

"Yeah I'm sure she can fix it. And every time you come back from there, we'll fix it again, until they get the message that you're perfect the way you are."

Rae nodded, pulling the hood back over her head for now. "We'll talk to her after our shift then." With any luck, she would have her curls back sooner than later. The rest she could take in strides, but not this.

"What about you?" Carefully, she rewrapped the scarf. "He told me he 'took care' of you. Said something about talking to James, whatever the hell that was about."

"Of course, not."

That was his girl. Benji felt pride surge through him, knowing that Rae wasn't a horse easily broken. She was wild, untamed. And no matter how someone tried to corral her, her spirit remained the same. It was what he loved about her. She was unapologetically herself, and no one got to tell her who to be. They could change her hair and her skin and maybe even her name, but she was who she was.

Rae.

He adored her.

"What about you?"

Him? What about him? He didn't have a crazy dad who tried to change everything about him.

Anymore.

"I'm fine," he said with a shrug. And he was. The boundaries he'd had placed upon him were...not easy to follow, but also not impossible. He'd do what he'd have to do, and he knew that maybe she'd understand. Probably not, but maybe. And he wasn't exactly ready to explain all that. Not when she was struggling with what her own family had done to her.

"He told me he 'took care' of you. Said something about talking to James, whatever the hell that was about."

Well, fuck. "Uh," he said, climbing out from under the table, but remaining crouched for a moment. "Yeah but it wasn't a big deal. We can talk about it some other time. But yeah, I'll let Julia know we need to talk to her." He pointed over his shoulder towards the information desk. "Anyway, you're beautiful. Fuck them." He grinned widely, and pulled himself back to a standing position.

There were books to check back in.

He was fine.

Such a simple truth. Usually, Rae would've taken it as a given that Benji would be fine. Both had been through enough not to be rattled by most things. More than that, both had found their way into loving families, albeit ones that looked nothing like each other's. Even now, despite the father she never wanted showing up to give her things she didn't ask for, Rae thought their families bore little resemblance. Both were high-class, powerful, and pureblooded, but the girl had never felt such deep-seated resentment at Arundel Castle. She'd never felt like a pawn or something to be fixed.

They hadn't looked at her any differently and had always been gracious. If her father were to be believed, it was because they hadn't thought much of her to begin with. It was yet another thing she found herself having to reconcile.

Were they meant to treat her differently? Had there been anything wrong with the treatment she'd received? The young Slytherin had enjoyed the many freedoms she'd been afforded in Benji's fancy castle. No one had bothered them too much; they weren't under obvious surveillance, and no one had really fussed about the way they interacted.

Why...why was that a bad thing? Why did it need to be?

Now Benji said he was fine, and Rae found herself unexpectedly relieved. If the winter break had taught her one thing, it was that being fine, in such families, was anything but guaranteed. There were scenarios that would've left him less than fine. The time she'd spent with her father had given Rae enough caution to worry over what he might have done when he'd gone to see James.

It seemed her fears were unfounded.

Whatever the man had done to her didn't extend to Benji. She was relieved.

Rae watched him crawl back out from beneath the table with a final promise that they'd speak to Julia. She nodded, already feeling a little better about the whole thing. Having never been one to sit and wallow, she liked that they would already be looking into solutions.

"Anyway, you're beautiful. Fuck them."

Off he went to the duties she'd tried insisting he had at the beginning of the conversation. She let him go, reaching for the scraper to continue her own work.

Another piece of gum down, only a few more to go. Maybe she should take her time.