Lost Boy | Bae

January 7, 1922
6:45 PM
♫

Something had to give.

His girlfriend was right. He wasn't okay, and he'd known he wasn't for a long time. As much as the boy pulled for a happy grin and nonchalant attitude, it had faltered today in a big way.

He didn't want counseling, he'd made that clear to his mother, but apparently whatever his girlfriend had told her had her worried enough that it wasn't going to be an option. Tomorrow, she'd said. He'd go to Hogsmeade with her after dinner and sit with someone to talk about his feelings.

It sounded like a bunch of crap to him. He didn't know how this was supposed to help, but nothing else had. The look in his mum's eyes and the worry in his girlfriend's was enough though. Enough for him to agree, even if he didn't want to.

He was mad of course. At Rae for taking matters into her own hands and deciding to share his private business with his mum. At his mum for refusing to believe him when he told her it really wasn't the crisis situation everyone was making it out to be.

But mostly, his anger was for himself. For not being able to figure this out on his own. Benji was lost, and he knew it. Nothing he did or said would change that fact.

He'd avoided Rae the rest of the afternoon, needing to sort out how he really felt after his mum had found him. His first reaction was to breakup. If she couldn't respect him enough not to go running to his mummy, then maybe they didn't need to be together.

"She didn't come and tell me to upset you, Benji. She loves you and is worried about you. We all are."

It had...broken his heart to hear it. He hadn't known that he'd worried everyone that badly. He was just a dumb kid trying to do the best he could.

"Hey," he said, sliding into the bench next to her. It was quiet at the table - most everyone having already finished and wandered off. He didn't know what to say. But maybe he could start with an apology.

"I'm sorry you had to see all that." There really wasn't anything else he could say that was relevant. "You alright?"

"You said we'd study – Rae –"

"I know, I know! But hear me out—"

"You want us having that slumber party after, don't you?"

"Of course, I do. This isn't either or."

They'd been planning through owls all through winter break. Rae wasn't about to see her plans dashed just because she no longer felt like cramming her head full of history of magic. It was the weekend, the first one since they'd gotten back to school, and while the Slytherin was fully committed to studying with her dormmates, she just...needed a bit more time to get back into the swing of things.

The day had been a lot. The meltdown in the library, in hindsight, was embarrassing. It wasn't because she regretted wailing over some hypothetical child – Rae would've done that even on a good day – but because of how exposed it'd left her feeling. She'd finally cracked under the strain, unable to handle her starvation anymore, and it had made things...so much worse. Benji had tried pushing himself, no doubt at his wit's end with her, and in doing so had ended up having his own meltdown. They weren't okay, and she didn't think learning about goblin rebellions would change that.

She'd take the snacks, the nails and hair care, though. The fifth-year could use the distraction while she tried to get her nerves to settle.

As expected, Benji had made a point of avoiding her. He wasn't the most subtle when he was upset and didn't always handle overwhelming emotions and situations the way he insisted she should. There were no words from him, only distance. She wasn't surprised, just...tired.

"I took an extra shift in the hospital wing last minute. Go, study without me. I promise I'll be back by curfew – just this once, promise!"

Her dormmates groaned as they rose from their seats, but they knew better than to push. It wouldn't get them anywhere.

She watched them go, feeling a sudden hollowness take her. Benji hadn't come to dinner. She...she knew he wouldn't, not with how angry he'd been when she left him, but a part of her had hoped that he could see she'd only wanted to help when neither of them had any answers left. Rae lingered at the table with the feeling, knowing she needed to shake it before she headed for the wing. It was hard to offer smiles and good bedside manner while her heart ached.

"Hey."

...Benji?

Rae lifted her gaze, her eyes widening when they landed on the boy she was sure wanted nothing to do with her. As quickly as her heart fluttered, she clamped down on it. Benji could swing either way. It was as likely he'd come to tell her off prope—...no. She'd seen him angry plenty of times. It wasn't rage that she saw as he sank in next to her. It was a relief. It had already been enough exploding for the day, and she didn't think she had any more fight left in her.

"I'm sorry you had to see all that. You alright?"

...What?

Was...she alright?

It was almost enough to laugh. Instead, her brows crinkled inward as she turned to fully face him. "Me? Are you alright? I didn't mean to leave you like that, but...she needed to know. When I didn't see you for the rest of the day or at dinner," she paused to look around the emptying hall, "I thought...I figured ..."

To be sure, she was prepared for the outcome and didn't regret it, but it didn't make his avoidance hurt less.

"I'm the one who's sorry—not," before he could misinterpret, "for telling Julia but for pushing you in the first place. I hope you know I'd never want you hurting, not even for me, especially not for me."

He supposed he shouldn't be surprised in the slightest at the way she looked at him. Benji wasn't known for his calm and composed demeanor when things got hard, nor was he known for handling those hard things rationally. He supposed he must look like a stranger to her in the moment but...

The boy was tired. Tired of fighting himself and tired of fighting her.

He just wanted to be close to her, to feel the warmth of her shoulder against his and know that somehow things were going to be okay in the end.

It didn't feel like they would be now, but surely that would change.

"Me? Are you alright? I didn't mean to leave you like that, but...she needed to know. When I didn't see you for the rest of the day or at dinner, I thought...I figured ..."

He knew what she figured. It was the same thing he figured. But what would that accomplish? Breaking up would only hurt them both and wouldn't make either of them feel better. It would be a temporary lash-out, knowing that he loved her and didn't want to be apart from her.

He didn't like that she'd gone to his mum, but she had. And now he could handle it like an adult or like a petulant little boy in the midst of a tantrum.

He knew which one he'd rather be.

"I'm the one who's sorry—not for telling Julia but for pushing you in the first place. I hope you know I'd never want you hurting, not even for me, especially not for me."

He nodded. He knew that. Rae cared about him, more than she usually cared about others, and she'd always worried about him, even when he'd made it difficult for her to. "I wish you hadn't told her," he said quietly, reaching for a goblet of pumpkin juice. "But I know why you did. I'm not...well...I am mad," he had to start from honesty, "but...not so much at you as I am myself."

He shrugged a bit. "Julia said I have to start counseling tomorrow." He sighed heavily, bringing the drink to his lips. That should make his girlfriend happy.

"I wish you hadn't told her."

That made one of them, even if Benji had only come back to tell her he didn't want to see her anymore. Nothing would make her regret the walk up to Ravenclaw Tower, where she'd unloaded everything in his mother's office. It had been a small moment of catharsis while everything had begun to feel too heavy and suffocating.

They couldn't go on the way they were. She wasn't okay, and she knew that Benji wasn't okay either. If both of them were suffering, then what was the point of powering through? Who would it help while they both sank further and further? Rae loved her boyfriend with a genuine sort of love that was rare in her world. It nagged her even in the moments when he was acting anything but lovable, and she didn't know that that would ever change.

But it was getting harder. Every time he recoiled, then smiled and hoped she'd let it go, every almost that turned into nothing while she nursed the illogical but potent feeling of rejection, they were only making things worse. Those things also wouldn't change unless something bigger and outside of them changed them. In this case, it was letting his mother in. Rae had no control over Benji or most things in the wider world. She couldn't hire healers or compel the boy to do anything he didn't want to do. Julia could, and that was good enough for her.

"Julia said I have to start counseling tomorrow."

"Good, even if you don't think so." Even if he was miserable for the first few sessions. GOOD. Bent over and unable to breathe? That wasn't her Benji. Her Benji was off somewhere else, lost and unsure how to get home on his own while this one continued to pull him under. Therapists were trained for things like this. If anyone could get him back on track, it would be one of them.

"I know you didn't want me telling; part of me doesn't recognise the girl who did." A snitch running to the adults, her younger self would be withering. "But...I care more about you being okay than you loving or hating me. I was prepared for you to break up with me," she confessed. "Came up with a million things I'd say to you when you came and how I'd make sure my shoulders stayed up and that I kept my resolve. A version of my plan had me hitting you – you wouldn't be my boyfriend anymore; that rule wouldn't count anymore." So there was no need for him to remind her of the agreement they'd made, thank you.

"But then I realised...I wouldn't have enough fire in me to match you." She was tired to the bone. "So I'm glad that's not what this became."

Rae extended her arm, gesturing for him to move closer if he'd like. She had the same sinking feeling she always did, that the road ahead was going to be long and daunting, but she had to believe it would be okay.

"Should I expect you to come back sounding all philosophical? Asking me about my feelings? Most of them revolve around hunger, so don't waste your time."

He sighed, dropping his cheek against the hand he’d propped up with his elbow. Sometimes, being a good boyfriend meant just listening. He didn’t always have to have the final say in everything. He didn’t always have to make his point. He already had. He’d told her he wasn’t happy about it, and that was that.

Benji wasn’t trying to fight or argue or make her feel bad about what she’d done. Not that he could anyway. Rae was notoriously unapologetic about nearly everything she did, whether he liked it or not.

And so, what was left to do except listen and give her the space to say what she needed to?

"But...I care more about you being okay than you loving or hating me. I was prepared for you to break up with me.”

He shifted uncomfortably in his seat. How could he hate her? Better yet, how could he hate something that he knew she’d done out of love for him? It didn’t have to feel good to him, he supposed. It didn’t have to make him happy. It wasn’t the point of her actions, and he needed to understand that.

"Came up with a million things I'd say to you when you came and how I'd make sure my shoulders stayed up and that I kept my resolve. A version of my plan had me hitting you – you wouldn't be my boyfriend anymore; that rule wouldn't count anymore."

“Weeeell,” he managed with a slight grin, giving a little shrug of his shoulder. He could allow a little humor into it. “It would still count, but I’m glad we’re not at that point either.” Resignation returned to his voice and he glanced out across the Great Hall. Benji knew who he was and more importantly, he knew who Rae was. Had this turned into something more fiery and confrontational, it would have been one of their worst by far.

But the boy was so tired of being angry. Of fighting for no fucking reason. Of trying to be heard instead of just working things out.

Seemed she was too.

Good. At least they were on the same page.

"Should I expect you to come back sounding all philosophical? Asking me about my feelings? Most of them revolve around hunger, so don't waste your time."

“Don’t hold your breath,” he muttered as he relented, scooting in closer to her and dropping his head on top of hers. There was a fat chance he’d be talking about any of this with anyone, even his mum. If the counselor wanted to fill her in then that was his business, but Benji wasn’t of the mind to be sharing his ‘sensitive feelings with anyone. What good was this all supposed to do him anyway? Talking didn’t fix trauma. It didn’t take away what had happened. It didn’t undo all the things that were done.

But his girlfriend and his mum and all the women in his life were worried. Who was he to tell them they shouldn’t be?

“Everything’s going to end up alright,” he said, trailing his hand down her back until it found a comfortable place to rest. He wanted to reassure her, but knew better than to tell her he was fine again, even if he thought he was.

“Shit time to not be drinking,” he teased. He knew the joke would either land or go over like a lead balloon, but it was also the first time he’d acknowledged to her that he wasn’t partaking in the old things that used to bring him comfort. She’d never asked, probably because she didn’t want to know.

Other things…well no one knew about those and it wasn’t a problem anyway.

They were a sorry sight, weren't they? His smile lasted no time at all before they returned to something of a more sombre nature.

It wasn't them, worn down at an empty dinner table, trying to figure out when life got so bad. Without either noticing until it was too late, they'd become shells of themselves, bracing for the next big storm to tear them apart. Rae wasn't about to sit there in some sort of 'doom and gloom', pessimistic wallow fest, but she felt the heaviness that wasn't there before. It had let itself into their relationship, even in the moments where they could bring themselves to some degree of happiness.

The earlier helplessness returned as she realised that, despite telling Julia, she...still didn't really know what to do. What if even this didn't work? What then?

She nestled into him when he rested his head against hers, trying to ignore the rising tide of worry that told her this might really be their new forever.

“Don’t hold your breath.”

That didn't help.

Benji was stubborn – the most stubborn boy she'd ever had both the pleasure and displeasure of knowing. They'd had arguments that would break gentler souls and had gotten into enough petty standoffs that could've just as easily gone on unending. When he said he wouldn't do something, chances were good that he meant it. That was why her stomach fell at his words. They were a follow-up to her gentle tease, sure, but they were also a harrowing warning that Benji might decide to double down there, too, then it really would become their forever.

“Everything’s going to end up alright.”

"Will it?" she challenged, easing away enough to meet his gaze. "How do you reckon that when you sound like you don't even want to give it an honest shot? You don't need to bullshit me; you already told me you're not happy about any of this, and I get the feeling you'll sit there glowering at the shrink until they give up. But you can't."

It would be a hard instinct to override, she knew. Benji was grappling with a lot of beliefs that had no place in what they were building – or trying to build.

“Shit time to not be drinking.”

She scowled.

"That's not funny." And she suspected he knew that even before he'd said it. The Slytherin had her vices; she hadn't overcome them the way Benji was starting to, but that was the point. He was getting better in the small ways. Having it all upended because of something her half-sister did...didn't seem fair. It wasn't right. Her boyfriend had been trying so hard. He didn't deserve this shit.

"Promise me you'll try – really try. Showing up's not enough this time. I know you don't wanna be like this forever." She reached a hand up to cup his face. "But, at the same time, don't say you will if you won't. I don't need that. I'd rather you tell me you'll take it as a joke and have me yell at you instead." They were beyond the point of pretending.

"You already proved you were strong, you know? I don't need you to be that strong right now; strong Benji's nice, but he's been getting in the way a little."

She needed him to move so her boyfriend could really begin to heal.

Why did everything have to be so difficult and layered with more and more questions and inquiries that he didn't want to answer. He said it'd be alright. Why couldn't she just take him at face value and let things be?

He understood. Rae cared. She wanted to make sure he really was alright...or would be, he guessed.

The truth was, he couldn't answer the question in the affirmative. He wanted everything to be alright. Figured they would be. Everything always had worked out in the end, no matter how bad things were. He was still alive wasn't he? He wasn't depressed and wallowing. He was existing and making it through. Happier times would come, and until then Benji was patient enough, he supposed.

But he couldn't guarantee anything, or how long it would take, or how he would even get there.

"How do you reckon that when you sound like you don't even want to give it an honest shot? You don't need to bullshit me; you already told me you're not happy about any of this, and I get the feeling you'll sit there glowering at the shrink until they give up. But you can't."

He didn't want to give it a shot. Benji saw no real reason for any of this outside of doing it because it was what the women in his life wanted. And there was no point in arguing with any of them because they'd just get emotional and make him feel like shit again. It was easier to just do what they wanted, even if he thought it was all a crock of shit.

Talking about his feelings had never made him feel better about anything.

"Promise me you'll try – really try. Showing up's not enough this time. I know you don't wanna be like this forever."

She cupped his face, and the boy felt himself melt at the desperation in her voice. His shoulders sagged as his expression softened. She was scared for him. Genuinely, and Benji could hardly stand it. He was meant to be her strength, her rock, the place she felt safe and on top of the world.

He was anything but those things for her.

"But, at the same time, don't say you will if you won't. I don't need that. I'd rather you tell me you'll take it as a joke and have me yell at you instead. You already proved you were strong, you know? I don't need you to be that strong right now; strong Benji's nice, but he's been getting in the way a little."

His gaze lifted again above her head, focusing on anywhere else in the Great Hall but those sad brown eyes that pleaded with him for change. She didn't want a promise if he didn't mean it. But if he didn't promise, she would just be disappointed and Benji didn't think he could handle anymore of it.

"Yeah," he said with a resigned shrug of his shoulders. What else was there to do at this point?

"I promise. I'll try."

He would try.

Alright.

"I'll believe you then."

If trying was all he could promise, then it was what she would hold on to. Rae wasn't naive. She knew it didn't mean full and inevitable success, just that he wouldn't spend the entire time in resistance mode, working against himself and his own well-being. It was enough for the girl who understood that talking on its own never fixed anything. She wasn't romanticising his recovery or the sessions he was likely to have, only holding out hope that he'd get the right tools to make them make a difference.

She patted his cheek lightly, forcing her smile a little wider. "Don't look so glum," she told him. The look in his eyes told her everything she needed to know. He was getting weighed down by all the feelings again, looking for a way out. Rae needed him looking at her so she could remind him that she wasn't going anywhere. "The sky hasn't started falling yet."

Her hand fell from his face as she busied herself packing what remained of dinner onto a plate for him.

He was eating the carrots, the tomatoes and lettuce, too.

"This will be easier than you think, you'll see. Not at first. I reckon it'll suck at first, and the shrink might turn out to be a nut – you'll have to tell me if they are. We can laugh about it together."

Some mashed potatoes...

She gestured to the rolls, silently questioning whether he wanted one before dropping two onto the plate anyway. "But I draw the line at them telling you we need to break up so you can focus on you for a little. We can focus on you together. I'm very attentive." In case he ever forgot that they were stuck together and were done having anyone else tell them the sort of relationship they were allowed to have.

It was them against the world, and while the world was currently winning, it wasn't enough to make them lie down and die.

Mmmm. Not much of the baked chicken left. She forked a thigh and plopped it on his plate before sliding it over to him. "There'd have been more had you actually come to dinner like you were meant to." The remaining wing, she would have for herself.

Rae paused just before taking a bite of it, fixing her gaze on him again.

"You know I don't really want a baby, yeah?"

Now that emotions were no longer running high and he wasn't spiralling into panic, it felt like something that required saying again. There was no need for him to start avoiding her. He was a horrible pretender, no matter what he thought. She'd see through it immediately and she would be offended.

The pat at his cheek drew his gaze back down to the pretty girl with a smile that always melted his heart. She was cute as hell, even when she annoyed him and he couldn't help the smile that grew across his own lips as he rolled his eyes.

"Hasn't it though?" he asked, glancing out one of the large windows to see the sky for himself. "Seems it might as well." He nudged her a bit with his elbow as his tone grew a little lighter now that hers was. "I'm just saying, if it's the end of the world, I know how I wanna go." Nestled in her lap, his face buried against her with her hands in his hair. He could die a happy almost-man as the scent of sugar filled his senses.

"This will be easier than you think, you'll see. Not at first. I reckon it'll suck at first, and the shrink might turn out to be a nut – you'll have to tell me if they are. We can laugh about it together."

He nudged the carrots she'd dished him off his plate with a few nudges of his fork. He wouldn't be needing those.

"But I draw the line at them telling you we need to break up so you can focus on you for a little. We can focus on you together. I'm very attentive."

He nodded. Of course he wanted rolls. That went without saying. "Don't worry," he said, spooning a forkful of mashed potatoes into his mouth, marveling how deliciously buttery they were tonight. Benji had never met a potato he didn't like and Toddles continuously outdid himself in that arena. "I won't let them try that shit again." He swallowed before leaning over and plopping a quick kiss on her forehead. "You're my girl. Whether you like it or not."

He watched as a single measly chicken thigh hit his plate. "What that's all?" he asked, snatching the bowl and glowering when he saw it was empty. How was he supposed to sleep well on only one chicken thigh? He needed at least three! He was a growing boy.

Maybe the Gryffindors still had some. He craned his neck a bit to try and see the dishes on their table.

"There'd have been more had you actually come to dinner like you were meant to."

"Blah, blah, blah," he answered, trying to see around Reese whose head was enormously disproportionate to the his twiggy body. Honestly, it was a wonder that kid's body didn't topple over from the weight of his skull.

Rats. No chicken there either. Benji sighed in resignation, figuring he'd get a sandwich after as he took another bite of his potatoes.

"You know I don't really want a baby, yeah?"

He looked at her out of the side of his eye. "Coulda fooled me, kid." He broke a piece of chicken of the thigh and popped it in his mouth. "But that's a relief. I wouldn't want to punish the world with our kid, knowing what shit parents we'd be right now."

A broken shithead who couldn't touch his girlfriend without panicking and a girl who wanted to defy everything about the world he was now required to live in. Bringing a baby into that, while they were fifteen and notoriously stupid - and hot-headed - would be the type of unfair he wouldn't wish on any kid.

When Benji became a father, he wanted to make sure he would be the best one he could be.

"Someday we'll have a kid," he said with a small smile. "And then she'll be the prettiest and smartest girl in the world." How could she not be, with a mother like Rae?

Why was it always the carrots? Didn't Benji want his eyes to be healthy for a long time? Did he want them suddenly giving out, preventing him from seeing how absolutely gorgeous she was?

When she showed him pieces of clothing and asked whether he liked them or whether he thought they were cute, Rae wasn't looking for blind platitudes. She wanted him LOOKING, then telling her with his whole chest[i] – and both fucking eyes – [i]exactly what he thought. How was she meant to take him seriously when he wouldn't eat his carrots? Rae tutted as she nudged the carrots back onto his plate.

"If the sky really were falling, there's no saying we'd have to go anywhere." And more carrots for his stubborness. "We've survived worse than the world deciding it's ready to end. Bet we'd be the last ones left, like the cockroaches everyone else thinks we are." They would outlast them all. His family, her family; when it was all said and done, the pair of them would be left standing atop the rubble, smug hooligans with shit-eating grins and a distinct lack of remorse for doing whatever it took to get them where they were.

"Don't worry."

She wasn't. Benji didn't understand. The next time he broke up with her because someone 'told him to', she was burying him alive in the forbidden forest. If he were six feet under, he wouldn't be able to leave her. The unbreakable vow made it a guarantee he was going nowhere, but she didn't need it. Benji knew she didn't need it. The boy knew exactly what he'd gotten himself into.

"I won't let them try that shit again. You're my girl. Whether you like it or not."

She pulled a face at him, finding her boyfriend perfectly ridiculous. "If I didn't like it, you'd have bigger problems than one chicken thigh and me running off to tattle to your mum." Something else she suspected the boy knew. "You're mine, and I intend to keep it that way."

His 'blah-ing' earned him a firm shove. Even sad, buried under crippling devastation, the boy still managed to be a bit of a git. It was one of his more endearing qualities and assured her more than many other things that she hadn't fully lost him, but it didn't mean she had to enjoy it. "Here I am looking out for that stomach you chronically put ahead of me, and you're acting like I'm your nagging elderly wife." She was only 15, as he was always so keen to remind her.

"I wouldn't want to punish the world with our kid, knowing what shit parents we'd be right now."
That earned him a second shove. "Speak for yourself. Just because you think you'd be a shit parent, doesn't mean I have to agree and get on the boat with you." Rae turned her head, sticking her nose high in the air as she folded her arms. "I'd be a great mother. Just look how well I took care of Benji, Andrea, and Barnaby – no help from you." If that was a small display of the father Benji intended to be, she could understand why – and agree with – the idea that he shouldn't be given one, but he wasn't about to change the way she saw herself in the matter.

"They'd be loved and cared for and fed and clean and...and..." Rae turned to look at him again, huffing her frustration. "The point is, I'd be amazing and you don't get to tell me otherwise to feel better about thinking you wouldn't." The Slytherin was willing to concede that she didn't really want a baby, but she drew the line at this slander.

Rae pulled at her lower eyelid with her index finger, mocking his platitude regarding their hypothetical child. "I don't need you to keep promising we'll have a kid 'someday'." It was his go-to every time she brought the subject up, as if he thought – should she really have wanted a baby – that that would've been enough to calm her raging hormones. "Even if you didn't want to, statistically speaking, your luck would eventually run out." This rough patch aside, they weren't exactly known for their restraint.

"I can wait, then you'll give me a million and three babies and stay home and watch them while I take over St. Mungo's. My name will be on all the doors. I'll bring you flowers home every evening and take you out on the weekends." The teasing grin that spread across her lips a second later gave her away, but the idea did truly amuse her.

Benji, in an apron, groaning every time one of the kids tried climbing him to get to the cupboards. His exasperation was as delicious as she suspected her rage was to him.

"If the sky really were falling, there's no saying we'd have to go anywhere. We've survived worse than the world deciding it's ready to end. Bet we'd be the last ones left, like the cockroaches everyone else thinks we are."

What was her obsession with carrots? Benji didn’t need vegetables that he didn’t like - especially ones that had an off-putting sweetness to them. Rae knew good and well he hated carrots, and as she scooped more onto his plate, he pointedly nudged them right back off and onto the table.

If she liked them so well, she could eat them.

He grinned, knowing good and well what plenty of others thought of them and not giving a good shit about it. “We would be, or post-apocalyptic warlords at least.” He nudged the last of the offending root veggies out of his vicinity as he picked up his roll and shoved the entirety of it into his mouth.

He was hungrier than he’d thought.

If the world ended tomorrow, he and Rae would run shit with no problem. Benji had the beautiful problem of not being afraid of anyone, and it had landed him in dangerous situations more than once. The boy didn’t always think about the trouble he was putting himself in until well after it was all over.

By then, he was usually fine and why worry about what could have happened when it didn’t?

Yep, he’d survive the apocalypse just fine.

"You're mine, and I intend to keep it that way."

Her shove broke another grin from his lips. “Maybe not elderly, but you’re definitely my nagging wife.” He leaned down to pop a kiss on her head. There was no escaping it now. Whether either of them wanted it or not, their future was set in stone - at least when it came to each other. His uncle and her father had seen good and well to that. Unless either of them fancied dying at the young age of twenty-four, this was it for both of them.

Hopefully they still liked each other by that time.

“Mrs. Benji.” For emphasis.

But she was ranting. About all the ways she’d be a good mum and all the ways she didn’t need him telling her she wouldn’t be. Benji knew Rae would be an amazing mother one day. When she was older and more mature and settled and happy in her day-to-day life.

She’d be kind, patient, sweet and the most fun a mum could be. Their babies would be so loved and protected. But Benji stood by his assessment that now - now - they’d only ruin a kid who deserved so much better. No matter what she wanted to tell herself.

Or him. Apparently she wanted to tell him all about it.

Benji nodded obediently, pretending to listen as another forkful of potatoes met his mouth, his eyes glazing over slightly as his mind drifted elsewhere. The roof. He needed to get up there at some point and make sure he’d locked his little box that he kept his trinkets in. He couldn’t remember if he had done that last time and -

"I can wait, then you'll give me a million and three babies and stay home and watch them while I take over St. Mungo's. My name will be on all the doors. I'll bring you flowers home every evening and take you out on the weekends."

He scoffed, almost hard enough to choke on his potatoes. “Fat chance,” he said, shaking his head. Mister Mum he would not be. “I’ll be busy hunting down dark wizards.” He looked at her, lifting his eyebrow. “One in particular.”

“You can bring Fidele flowers instead.”

It was a never-ending battle with him, one that Rae felt she would have to be fighting for the rest of their lives. Of all the snags they could hit and of all the hills to die on, it seemed that their struggle would forever be carrots.

She huffed in exasperation. “So help me if our kids come out allergic to carrots, Benji.” Because it could only be his fault. They’d have a whole blind family, starting with him and trickling down to the children. How would they ever see approaching bludgers while they flew around playing Quidditch? They’d constantly get knocked off their brooms, and as much as Rae enjoyed having a revolving door of patients to feed her need to nurture things, her own children were not meant to be prime candidates for the slots.

She’d have to eat more of them to compensate for his lack, and hoped he was happy to have doomed her to such a life.

“I like the sound of warlords,” she said, scooting close again to nestle into his side while she had another bite of her chicken wing. “But we’ll probably have to help a few others survive, just because it’s less fun being tyrannical overlords with war lust if there’s no one to war against.” Would it even count at that point? In order to dominate, there had to be people who could be dominated.

“Maybe not elderly, but you’re definitely my nagging wife.”

He was on a roll today, wasn’t he? The kiss he placed atop her head did nothing for his cause. Reaching out, she jammed an elbow into his ribs. “I do not nag you!” And she wasn’t his wife, but that was the less egregious claim and not quite worth her ire. Rae craned her head to look up at him. “I’m only trying to–”

“Mrs. Benji.”

“I already told you to stop calling me that!” She didn’t care how long ago she’d gotten the news or how much time had lapsed; she wasn’t about to have her boyfriend normalising adult interference. “Ask me for real, just for me, without my dad and your uncle standing on each shoulder, then you can call me that.” And not a moment before. There were entirely too many men in her life trying to change her name.

It was almost concerning.

Rae knew they hadn’t had a choice over the summer, even when they’d tried to take matters into their own hands and make a joke of it. She wasn’t naive. Even if, on the second pass, Benji had sincerely meant it, the whole thing was still tethered to the strings of someone else’s grander designs. It made her wonder. If they decided they needed to be married tomorrow and produce an heir by winter, would he go along with it then? It wasn’t an argument she was trying to have, just a spot of curiosity.

Glancing up again, she spotted the dismissive nodding. Rae reached a hand up to poke him in the cheek. “The least you could do is look at me when you pretend. I’m an exceedingly easy girl to please, Laurence. Lie to me convincingly.”

He did focus in the end, just in time to speak of vengeance and future goals. Rae didn’t need to ask him who the ‘particular dark wizard’ was, in the same way she didn’t need to lecture him about morality or forgiveness. Neither interested her in any meaningful way.

“Just so long as you remember that if you get yourself killed, I’ll never forgive you. I’ll find a way to haunt your ghost.” She paused a moment in thought. “Can people haunt ghosts? Do they do that? Either way, I’ll figure it out. You’re not about to head into the afterlife to avoid my ‘nagging’, as you call it.”

You know what? He hoped their kids would come out allergic to carrots. And coconut. And cilantro. And water chestnuts. And all the other disgusting bullshit nature wanted to call ‘food’. He shrugged satisfied with the little pile of rabbit food that now sat deservedly off his plate.

He wasn’t worried about his eyesight or their kids’ for that matter. He had perfect vision. It was a gift. Good genes. The Cuddruns weren’t good for a lot, but looks and eyesight had checked the good boxes for sure. He was a perfect specimen really, and she should feel lucky that her children would be inheriting such a jackpot with his DNA.

“I’m not babysitting anyone in the apocalypse,” he insisted. “And I’m not helping. That’s how you get robbed of all your shit. Desperate men do desperate things. Nobody’s a good person at the end of the world, Rae.”

He certainly wouldn’t be anyway. He’d be protecting what was his and nothing more. Rae being his of course.

“I already told you to stop calling me that!”

The jab to his ribs caught the chicken he’d shoved in his mouth, and he coughed loudly, pounding on his chest to release the offending poultry. Someday, she’d kill him, he had no doubt. “I’ll call you what I want,” he said smugly, as his eyes watered, and he wiped quickly at them, swallowing the chicken that had made his life flash before his eyes. “Besides, you know I don’t take orders from little girls .”

He was definitely going to die, but how could he be sorry for it when she was so easy to annoy?

“Ask me for real, just for me, without my dad and your uncle standing on each shoulder, then you can call me that.”

“Who said I wasn’t going to?” He held her gaze, his smirk never failing, as he shoved his finished plate away and wiped his hands with a napkin. A quick swig of his pumpkin juice to wash it all down and the boy had finished his meal in three minutes flat.

Hardly a record for him.

“Rest assured pretty, one day I’ll ask you for real. As long as you don’t annoy me.” Fairly rich coming from the boy who wanted to do nothing but annoy for the time being, but it was what it was.

And there she went, moaning about how he’d better not get himself killed when he went hunting the man who deserved his wrath. “You think he could kill me?” the boy laughed, almost too loudly, and shook his head. “I’ll be a trained auror by then. He’ll be an old man with the same old tricks.” The thought thrilled him, genuinely. He couldn’t wait to see the fear in his eyes and then watch the light go out of them.

He’d rue the day he’d ever made Benji’s mother cry.

“And pretty sure you can haunt ghosts. Nearly-Headless Nick hates to be bothered.” Considering he avoided nearly everyone at every opportunity he had, Benji was certain ghosts had a shorter patience fuse than the living.

“I’m not babysitting anyone in the apocalypse. And I’m not helping. That’s how you get robbed of all your shit. Desperate men do desperate things. Nobody’s a good person at the end of the world, Rae.”

Rae scoffed.

“Who said anything about helping? I said we need people we can dominate and rule over. All we have to do is not have everyone die. That might mean walking away sometimes and going back for them when we’re ready to collect subjects. Besides, our family’s screwed if they only have each other to populate with in the new world. I’m not about to be the queen of a freakshow.”

It was all genetics. She and Benji would be fine. They didn’t have a relative between them. Hell, her father’s entire family lived across the damn pond. Spanish in root, Caribbean mixed, anchored in the States. Benji’s were properly from the United Kingdom, and even had old royalty or lordship or whatever it was. They’d make healthy babies.

Those babies would need someone else’s babies.

There she was, trying to talk sense into him, explaining the wonders of genetics and reproduction–and most importantly, what he wasn’t allowed to call her. There HE was, asking for certain death. Even choking on chicken, the boy still managed to be insufferable with his comment of “little girl”. After the volatile day she’d had, it was only natural that she erupted.

Just a little.

“I’M NOT A LITTLE GIRL YOU FUCKING MORON!”

Rae shuffled away from him so she could shove him properly. He was bigger, sturdier, and much harder to move, but the ire that spiked sent adrenaline coursing through her. It was enough to get him to budge, but not enough to satisfy her.

“Who said I wasn’t going to? Rest assured, pretty, one day I’ll ask you for real. As long as you don’t annoy me.”

He was smirking. She wasn’t amused.

Rae pursed her lips at him, her teeth grinding on the inside. It was amazing how, so many years into their relationship, Benji was still able to make her blood boil in ways that made her feel murderous. It was a proper dilemma. If she killed him, she couldn’t enjoy his company anymore. If she allowed him to live, he did and said dumb shit like this, and she lost all sense of reason. Of course, she wanted to marry him and to be asked. Rae wanted to know he loved her enough to see a future outside of what someone else told him, but right now?

”I don’t want you asking me anything! You annoy me, Benji Cuddrun!”

He was done eating. GOOD, because she was done sitting there while the boy gave her hypertension. Wasn’t he moping earlier? Where did that Benji go? She would cuddle that one and tell him sweet things until he felt better. This Benji, she was seconds from hitting.

“Fine,” Rae said, rising to her feet. “You won’t die, and I won’t have to make you more miserable than Nearly Headless Nick every time the headless hunt comes around. Kill whoever you want as long as you’re home in time for dinner and bedtime duties.” He started it this time. She was allowed to indulge in the fantasy. “Now, come on. We’re gonna go do something that won’t result in your untimely death.”

Queen of the freakshow.

Benji grinned, admiring the way his girlfriend’s mind worked. She was a strange sort, one that he could listen to all day when it came to the big ideas and machinations of her mind. Benji had barely considered the end of the world, and what that would look like for them, other than dominating it, and he certainly hadn’t imagined their kids being a part of it.

No. If Benji were going to be a competent warlord, then children wouldn’t be a part of the equation. They would weaken his resolve, and worse - give his adversaries a direct advantage over him. In this particular scenario, Rae would never have to worry about inbred grandkids, because they wouldn’t have kids in the first place.

No need to tell her that though. “Whatever you say,” he appeased her with a light shrug. Let her think she was the boss. She would find out when the meteorite actually struck Earth, and by then she’d have no choice but to go along with him.

“I’M NOT A LITTLE GIRL YOU FUCKING MORON!”

Really? Because she was throwing a tantrum like one. He laughed, a breathy puff of air, as she shoved him, just enough to make his upper body move, but resulted in him going nowhere. If there was any sentence in the entire world that could make his girlfriend rage, it was that one. Benji admired the way her cheeks turned red and puffed out with indignation. The way she pursed her lips in that cute little pout and the way she glared at him, eyes sparking with annoyance.

Like a little squirrel that had its acorn stolen.

”I don’t want you asking me anything! You annoy me, Benji Cuddrun!”

“My greatest accomplishment today.” Unbothered, that’s what Benji was. He leaned in, pursing his lips to take a kiss, glad they were back on their normal plane of love/hate existence, but she was already scrambling from the bench. He blinked, pulling his lips back into his face as he listened to her tell him off in all the ways he relished.

It was this - the fun annoyed banter that went back and forth between them - that made Benji feel like himself again. That reminded him who he was, and better yet, who she was for him. Rae gave Benji a sense of familiarity and home, especially when they were in the midst of a harmless squabble, reminding him of the days when things felt easier, less profound and a lot less terrifying.

“I’d never miss a meal, you know that,” he quipped as he got to his feet and slung an arm around his rabid girlfriend’s shoulders. Already, he was feeling much better than he had a couple of hours ago. She had a way of doing that. Of steadying his feet and pulling him back to a normal plane of existence.

“Lead the way, pretty. To my death or otherwise.”