Bad At Love | Bae

Saturday, October 1, 1921
9:00 PM

It was quiet and nearly empty amongst the bookshelves that held the boy hostage from where he’d rather be. His mum, seeming to think that she needed to keep him busy, had scheduled him for more shifts this term than she ever had before.

He didn’t appreciate the mahogany walls and floors the way Rosalie had. He didn’t find as much value in the lines of tomes and leather-bound books that Cassian had. He didn’t even enjoy helping others find what they were looking for or doing the simple menial tasks of checking books in or out.

Rather, he missed the things that got his heart racing. He missed Quidditch, being up on a broom and feeling nothing but the warm wind on skin. He missed the adrenaline of out-maneuvering a bludger and he missed the breathless burn in his lungs when all was said and done.

He still had his sketching, and of course he took his broom out plenty and practiced. He still worked out every morning and set his focus on physicality rather than living in his head. Benji was tired of ruminating. He was tired of every summer setting him a little further back despite all the progress he’d made during term.

Library shifts left him with nothing but thinking.

“How much longer until we can leave?” he groaned at his girlfriend, having not bothered to look at the clock since he’d arrived. He dropped his head on a pile of books that he still needed to sort and return to their assigned spaces. He sighed loudly, drumming his fingers on the desk alongside his head.

“I feel like I’m crawling out of my skin.”

Benji was restless, almost more so than usual.

Or maybe it was her. Ever since his visit to Grantham Hall in June, Rae had become acutely aware of his moods and the way they shifted. She watched him in a way that had nothing to do with her past obsessions and everything to do with worry. Worry that he wasn't okay, worry that he wasn't as fine as he kept insisting he was, worry that he was hurting even worse than she could imagine without her knowing or being able to help.

Strong as the emotions surrounding the incident were within her, she could only imagine how much further multiplied they were within him. Yet, every day, the boy walked in and out like his cheerful self, donning a mask he thought would be enough to fool her the way he continued to fool the world. She'd have been insulted if she weren't so concerned. When her boyfriend wasn't coping well, he returned to vices he never liked admitting, let alone talking about, and a part of her dreaded what might become of him if he held it in too long.

But he didn't like her fussing. Not unless his head was in her lap and she was babying him to sleep. He didn't like the millions of questions or the insistence that he let it all out. He still snogged her, but Benji had shut her out in the ways that mattered. All she could do was sit close and wait for him to realise she wasn't going anywhere, no matter what. Their unbreakable vow aside, Rae would be damned if she let Lucy cost her the boy she loved.

They would get through it, just as they would get through this library shift he was already bemoaning.

“How much longer until we can leave? “I feel like I’m crawling out of my skin.””

"We've barely been here 10 minutes, Benji," she replied evenly, reaching for the book at the top of her own pile. It took only a quick look at the title to realise it belonged in the restricted section, so she set it aside.

Quiet nights like these had no business being spent behind the front desk waiting for a spectre of a student to come in just to give them something to do. For the first time in their Hogwarts lives, one of them had access to the restricted section and all its possibilities, but those had all been dimmed by the passing summer, leaving no point in even mentioning it. They may as well sit there like diligent library assistants and wait for it to be over.

Catching the way he slumped from the corner of her eyes, she nudged him lightly. "If you want me to take those books back with mine, you'll at least have to sort them yourself."

Sigh.

The sorting never ended.

Benji sat up, tightening his jaw in resignation as he picked up the first book on his pile. Transmutation. He tossed it with little care to the side, before picking up the next. 'Stability of Magical Constructs. Advanced Charms. He tossed it to the other side.

The boy knew his girlfriend was worried about him. It was there in the soft looks she gave him and in the quiet she allowed, while refusing to leave his side. It wasn't her usual clinginess or her adamancy that they spend more time together - his sweet girl was never satisfied, no matter how much time he hung around her. Rather it was that concern that he couldn't stand to see behind warm dark eyes, wondering if he was okay. Wondering if he was doing what they both knew he was likely to do when things became overwhelming for him.

He hadn't yet. He'd been able to resist all of the vices that usually had an easy grip on him. He didn't want to relapse into bouts of drinking himself stupid, smoking until his lungs burned or downing potions until he couldn't see straight. He wanted to be strong on his own, like his mum and girlfriend kept telling him he could be. He wanted to be that example for Kate so she didn't eventually fall into the same stupid patterns he did.

But it was hard, wasn't it.

"I can take 'em back," he said with a light shrug, and realizing he was acting like an ass again, he took a deep breath and forced a smile on his face. "Sorry, pretty." Another book to the left pile. "Guess I'm just tired and haven't been getting enough sleep." He leaned over to drop a kiss on the top of her head.

"And this shit's got to be the most boring task in the whole of the castle."

Made slightly better with present company, but damn if the boy would have rather been outside in the night air than cooped up here.

He could take them back; he was right.

Rather than accept her helpfulness, Benji was doubling down on getting things done himself, like he'd doubled down on shouldering what had happened to him on his own. His actions since summer had spoken louder than his words. While he held her close, he was telling her to keep away – to mind her business and let him continue folding inward with a smile.

Rae stiffened at his cavalier dismissal, reaching atop her pile for another book. It wasn't a big deal, and she had to remind herself of that. Benji had a habit of being flippant, especially when he was trying hard not to care. If he really preferred to return all the books himself – and she knew he didn't; he didn't like nearly all his library duties – then she wouldn't stand in the way. If nothing else, it would be a means for him to fill his night so he wouldn't be so bored during their shift.

Call her a pessimist, but she didn't exactly see the library growing lively in the next hour.

The Hidden Art of Pyromancy.

Benji sighed. She started a new pile.

"Sorry, pretty. Guess I'm just tired and haven't been getting enough sleep."

Rae let the book fall into the empty space atop the desk before turning her gaze back to him. She'd suspected he hadn't been sleeping, but it was the first time he'd actually admitted it. The girl could only imagine the thoughts that plagued him, understanding for herself just how effective the dark of night was at dredging up the things that one typically wanted to forget. If he wasn't getting enough sleep, it meant things were every bit as bad as she'd imagined.

She ignored his excuse of the task being boring. It was true, but it wasn't what had got him acting the way he was.

For a moment, she fixed him with a serious look, dark mahogany boring its way into his hazel fields.

"I thought we told each other everything." Even the things they would never admit to another soul; the things they thought were too heavy or too ugly. They knew about each other's pasts – fleeting and evasive as Rae tended to be with hers – and they knew about each other's vices without judgement. Wasn't that how it was meant to be, how they'd started out without even meaning to?

"You're hurting, and you won't let me help." Her brows creased with the weight of her discontent. "I don't like it."

"I thought we told each other everything."

It stopped him. Another book tossed into the left pile and he stared down at it for a moment, not wanting to meet her eyes that she felt boring into him.

They did tell each other everything, or tried to anyway. It was what one did in a relationship, wasn't it? Even friendships - close ones at least - shared the darker, grittier parts of their lives with one another, and he'd never really made it a habit of shutting Rae out before. He'd told her everything about his life. His first family, his vices, all his troubles with his old friends and professor, and in turn, she'd told him everything.

He'd never known his girlfriend to keep anything from him, but this felt so much bigger than he was sure he was ready to share. Opening up about it - talking about it - made it feel more real. It made it feel like...he was weak. Boys didn't talk about these sorts of things, because they didn't happen to boys. Boys were meant to want it. They were meant to cheer this sort of shit on. The fact that he wasn't...how did he explain all of that to her?

How did he explain that it drove him insane to think about and he was doing all he could to barely hang onto the ledge that was slipping from his fingers?

"You're hurting, and you won't let me help."

He finally turned his head, slowly to meet her gaze and he felt himself sigh again. Was he hurting? Was that what all of this was? Or was he just angry and confused? He didn't know, he guessed. Benji had never been good at emotions, much less deciphering them and in the moment it all felt incredibly exposing.

"I-I just," he stuttered a moment, not sure what to say, but he knew he had to try, "don't guess anyone knows what to say. Words can't really change anything you know?" He shrugged slightly. "I don't really want to think about it. It's easier to drown it all out."

Whatever that looked like. For now, it was silencing the thoughts in his head with distractions. Like book sorting. "I'm not trying to shut you out." He turned his back to the desk, leaning against it instead while he pulled for a more neutral expression. "I just didn't think either of us wanted to linger on it."

He remembered the look on her face that morning and the rage that had coursed through both of them. It definitely wasn't a place he wanted to reminisce on.

For a moment, Rae worried he would pull for another of his smiles and try to change the subject. She saw the way he tensed, how he’d frozen as if struck by her words and scrambling to dispel them. It wouldn’t have been unusual, not with how most of their conversations surrounding the topic had gone, but she was no longer sure she was willing to oblige.

They couldn’t hide from it forever—Benji couldn’t. Whether he chose to tackle it head on or continue to bury his head in the sand, there were now real consequences they were dealing with. Ignoring them didn’t make them go away.

Thankfully, it wasn’t deflection that came when the boy opened his mouth; not really, but it was dangerously close.

"I-I just don't guess anyone knows what to say. Words can't really change anything you know? I don't really want to think about it. It's easier to drown it all out."

Drown it out. That part was clear, yeah.

”But you are,” she said quietly, retorting his claim that he didn’t want to linger on it. Benji was so far inside his head, that he’d stopped seeing what he looked like from the outside. “I don’t think it’s left your mind for more than a few minutes at a time. It’s always there behind your eyes, one way or another.”

Rae grew quiet, her gaze washing over the open area of the library as if she suddenly remembered the possibility of someone walking in without notice. Dark irises floated across the space, coming up with no one. Still, she leaned in a little and lowered her voice.

“You still flinch like you’re expecting Lucy to pop out of nowhere and have another go.”

She’d never let that happen, of course. Her sister was on borrowed time, whether she knew it or not.

Rae straightened, realizing how at a loss she really was. Was there a fix? A set of instructions they could follow? The girl thought back to her own experiences and how they still woke her up some nights. In the end…she hadn’t “fixed it” either, only buried it like Benji was trying to do. It made her quiet again, less certain than she’d been a moment earlier. Was it really better to leave him alone? That didn’t feel like the answer—and hadn’t been working.

“I just…I guess I don’t know how to help…but I don’t want to give up, either.”

“I don’t think it’s left your mind for more than a few minutes at a time. It’s always there behind your eyes, one way or another.”

Well, she wasn’t wrong. Since that day back in June, he’d hardly been able to force his mind to much else. Classes were a good distraction, but nothing else seemed loud enough to drown out the thoughts and images that plagued him. He wasn’t wallowing, really, and he didn’t feel sorry for himself. Difficult things happened to people every day, and he was hardly in a place to say he had it bad. He had a mum that loved him fiercely. A little sister that was safe and cared for in the same family. A girlfriend that loved him and adored him despite all the ways he didn’t deserve it.

He had a life that others could only dream of. He wasn’t in a place to be brooding or self-pitying.

He was trying, really trying to just move past it and not make it anyone else’s problem. That’s what real men did, right? They handled their shit and moved on.

“You still flinch like you’re expecting Lucy to pop out of nowhere and have another go.”

“We don’t have to talk about her.” His voice had grown quieter as he stiffened at her sister’s name. Lucy was someone he never wanted to associate himself with again if he had any choice in the matter. It was rare that Benji hated - truly hated - someone, but Lucy got all of it in spades. He didn’t think he loathed anyone the way he loathed her, and Benji had known some real shitty people in his life.

“I just…I guess I don’t know how to help…but I don’t want to give up, either.”

He sighed reaching for the sorted books and dumping them haphazardly on the nearby cart. “I don’t know,” he said with resignation in his voice and nodded for her to come along with him. He didn’t want to shut her down or make her think he didn’t appreciate her care. He did. He just…didn’t know how to accept it, he guessed.

“I think it’s just something I have to get over.” That made sense to her right? She knew how this stuff worked. Eventually he’d just forget, like all the other things that had happened to him over the years. “I know you want to help, and I love you for it.” He smiled at her, a softer genuine one this time.

“I’ll be alright. I always am.”

He wasn’t and he knew it. He was lost and he didn’t know how to find his way back. The only thing making him feel better was that he’d figured out every other situation in his life. This wasn’t any worse or scarier. But…

“What she said about me,” he said quietly and swallowed hard, “That’s not me. But…it doesn’t make sense that it’d happen to me either.” She’d understand, right? “And if that didn’t happen to me, then what did happen?” He straightened his back a bit as he tucked a book into its space in the shelves.

He was talking out loud more to himself, than Rae, but maybe she’d have the answer. He certainly hadn’t found it, no matter how many times he’d asked the question.

“We don’t have to talk about her.”

They didn't have to if he didn't want to. On this point, Rae wouldn't argue. From the moment the girls had been introduced to each other, there had been no end to the venom that existed in each of their hearts for the other. Lucille Burke was a devil of a girl, and not in any sort of way that might make her interesting. She was mean for no reason, a nasty piece of work who always had her nose up in the air, and a look of disdain stained onto those green eyes of hers. The girl had taken one look at Rae and decided she was beneath her – unworthy of being her sister and undeserving of anything their father was capable of providing.

She was a lot like her mother in that regard.

For her part, Rae didn't like her either. When she'd first been told she had siblings, she could admit to being a little nervous. She hadn't started out on this new journey jaded and unwilling to cooperate. There was a part of her that had been...excited by the new world her father had unearthed when he appeared in her life.

Lucy saw to it all being stomped out very quickly, but even then, she never imagined her capable of what she'd done over the summer. Being an insufferable menace didn't automatically make someone a monster.

Lucy...was a monster. She wasn't the sort that sent Rae scrambling for the covers – nothing truly was anymore – but she was the sort that made her blood boil so intensely that it caused prickling sensations along her veins whenever she thought of her. Seeing Benji shrinking at the girl's mention only made her angrier. Someday, she'd make her pay. For now, her attention lay with the boy who was slowly losing himself to things he couldn't name.

She rose from her seat to follow him, dumping some of her own books onto the pile he'd created on his cart. She followed after him, thinking a bit of movement might do them both some good after all.

"It's not you," Rae reaffirmed adamantly. Taking stock of the aisle they were in, it clicked that there was a book on the cart that fit here. The only question was...where? Her eyes scanned the shelves carefully. "You'd never—and she's fucking stupid for even trying. Had she taken any time to know you at all, she'd have known how ridiculous those lies sounded, coming from her mouth." Rae jammed the book into place, her anger worsening with the thought.

"She'd know you've got enough shit to deal with and don't need her problems – that you're better than she deserves, that she had no right." She pushed against the shelf, feeling her ire bubbling up her chest until it was all she could do to not explode.

“And if that didn’t happen to me, then what did happen?”

She forced a breath before turning to him.

"That did happen to you," whether he wanted to convince himself or feign some other version that made it all roses. Another breath, then she softened her voice. "It did, Benji. And she doesn't get the benefit of you denying it and making her less of the bad guy. She is. You're a lot nicer than I am," a point neither could deny. Lucy couldn't have offered her a cup of juice and told her they were letting bygones be bygones. Not unless she wanted that drink 'enhancing' the colour of her dress. Benji was cut from a different cloth. They were both street kids, but he'd had friends and trust and togetherness. Rae had learned early to spit in people's faces before they had a chance to do the same to you.

"She used that; that's what people like her do all the time." She leaned against the shelf, gesturing him closer with a curl of her fingers. "And she'll pay for it, but you shouldn't have to."

Of course she hadn't had any right. Benji had never thought that he had any right to anything when it came to anybody. The boy understood well that whatever people gave of themselves, in any capacity - friendship, family, love, even hate - was always theirs to give and he wasn't entitled to anything. The idea that there were people out there that held belief that the world - and the people in it - were theirs for the taking had never sat right with him.

He wasn't perfect and had made plenty of mistakes, but Benji had never, would never do to someone what Lucy had done.

"That did happen to you."

He didn't want to hear that. It made him feel weak. It made him feel like a victim. It made him feel like someone who needed to be protected rather than someone who was strong enough to protect himself. He didn't answer, shoving another book onto the shelf, not really caring if it was in the right spot or not. Benji had a long history of people hurting him for various reasons, usually just because they could, and he'd worked hard to overcome all of it.

If he admitted this, it felt like starting all over and he didn't know if he could do that without falling apart.

Boys didn't fall apart. Boys didn't cry. Boys didn't let this shit happen to them.

"It did, Benji. And she doesn't get the benefit of you denying it and making her less of the bad guy. She is. You're a lot nicer than I am."

"It's not for her," he said, feeling defeated, but he quickly shut up, hearing his voice crack. He refused to look at her, even as he could feel her looking at him. Whatever was happening pulled and yanked at him, thrusting him forward into the dark he'd been resisting for months. His chest turned inwards on itself, twisting and tearing at his heart and making it hard to breath.

He just wanted to shut it all out. He wanted to wash it all from his memory. He didn't want the images flashing through his mind at inopportune moments. He didn't want to lay with the demons that had found him again, listening to their whispers in the silence when he found himself alone.

"She used that; that's what people like her do all the time. And she'll pay for it, but you shouldn't have to."

She had. Lucy had weaponized what she'd done and turned it back on him, but Benji wasn't sure what part of it all hurt the most. When he met her eyes again, she beckoned to him. In the months since that horrible day, Benji had found himself clinging to his girlfriend more than he ever had before. Even though it had always felt like them against the world, New York and then coming home and discovering his cousin and friend were gone - maybe dead, who knew - followed by what happened to Kate...

It was too much.

He went to her, his arms wrapping around her small waist as he rested his cheek on the top of her head. "It'll all be okay," he said quietly, for him as much as for her. "I'll figure it out. Somehow."

He just knew he couldn't keep doing what he was doing. He was silently spiraling.

Rae watched her boyfriend process her words in real time. The subtle shifts in his expression gave away a turbulent storm taking place behind his eyes. As she'd rightly surmised, it continued to eat away at him. Of course, it did. This wasn't the sort of thing one swept under the rug without great effort and cost. Benji was paying a whole lot more than he needed to, and he was trying to shoulder it all alone.

She welcomed him with open arms, fitting her body inside his frame and wrapping her arms around him. One hand reached into his hair, gently caressing his sandy waves while she let him say the things he felt he needed to. Still trying to convince himself. Maybe even trying to convince her, as if he'd forgotten that she saw him. When no one else could crack that cavalier veneer, Rae had front-row access to the deepest parts of his soul.

Right now, those parts ached, and she thought she would do anything to make it stop.

"I'll figure it out. Somehow."


Sigh.

He'd missed the point. Rae eased him off her, not enough to let him go but enough to reach out and slap him with some degree of force against his arm. He was gaining too much muscle. Soon, it would hurt her to do that. For now, it was necessary to pull him from the cavernous inside of his mind with all its winding paths that led to the same place of self-blame and isolation.

"Dummy," she chided, tutting lightly at him. "We will figure this out. Together. I don't care if I'm not invited; I'm coming to all your spirals anyway." And she would wait patiently to pull him out every time he started to sink in. "I just spent a bunch of time telling you I wanna help and how I'm here, and all you can say is 'I'll figure it out'." The last bit, as she quoted him, she did with her voice deepened in an attempt to match him and the machismo he had on full display.

She pulled him back to her, not done cuddling now that she'd set the record straight. Whether he wanted it or not, she pulled his head back down to rest atop hers as she went back to running her fingers through his hair.

"Now then," she continued, her eyes momentarily landing on the book he'd just placed where it certainly didn't belong. "What did you mean by 'it's not for her'? Who's it for then? You? Does it feel better telling yourself it didn't happen?"

She only wanted to be sure before she said anything else.

Rae wasn't one of those armchair quacks with their hypnosis and roundabout questions, but she knew personally that sometimes...all you really needed was to get it out and have someone there who listened – really listened without trying to turn it into something it wasn't or making it about themselves. The girl had a lot of feelings about what happened – naturally – but they were all eclipsed by his own.

Benji's feelings were the ones that mattered and the only ones that needed interrogating in the moment. They would get to the bottom of things together.

This couldn't go on forever.

The slap forced a grin across his lips - a welcome change that chased the melancholy right out.

His sweet girl always knew what he needed, and it wasn't always a gentle touch. Sometimes he needed that rough yank back to reality and the tougher voice she used when he needed to get his shit together.

"We will figure this out. Together. I don't care if I'm not invited; I'm coming to all your spirals anyway."

"What would I do without you?" he teased dryly, pulling her back to him and holding her a little tighter so she couldn't squirm away and smack him again. He'd certainly have less bruises for one. When her hand resumed it's gentle raking of his hair, he sighed, wishing she wouldn't worry so much.

He understood why she did, but he was of the mind to insist she didn't need the worry. She could worry about other things - their friends, or her family, or...potions. She seemed to be struggling in that class. Benji had always been able to take care of himself, admittedly not always in the healthiest ways, but he had been able to do it. He didn't exactly know what she thought she could do to help.

Talking. They'd discussed before that they needed to talk more and work things out, but this wasn't something - as far as he was concerned - about their relationship. This was all him, and his shit. He hadn't been doing a good enough job hiding his feelings and now they were here. He'd have to button it all up and ensure he wasn't letting on that things were hard if they were.

"What did you mean by 'it's not for her'? Who's it for then? You? Does it feel better telling yourself it didn't happen?"

He sighed. He really didn't want to talk about this anymore. "Exactly." If it didn't happen, then he was fine. He just needed to move on. "Of course it didn't happen, then its better. You - you wouldn't understand, Rae." Benji tugged gently away from her, not out of exasperation, but at needing to make sure he held himself together. He pulled for a more neutral face and took hold of the cart again.

She wouldn't understand because she wasn't a bloke.

The only other bloke he would have talked about this with was gone.

He was on his own, as sweet as her intentions were.

"What would I do without you?"

He could tease all he liked. Rae was certain she knew the answer to that question and that he did, too. "You'd be miserable and live inside your head all the time," she insisted. Case in point, the girl had given him space to work through what had happened with Lucy. She'd done everything she could to be present without being overbearing, hoping that with time he would open up and the burden would become lighter. What did he do? He doubled down on being fine and never gave himselfann honest moment to sit with it all.

She was one to talk, she knew, but there was a difference in her eyes. Rae didn't allow it to affect the way she lived her life. She didn't permit roadblocks and didn't stop for pauses. The girl had been very deliberate, some might say spiteful, in how she chose to live, wanting to make it clear that no one and nothing had been able to break her. On her own, she handled the fallout, but in her daily life, she refused to stay knocked down.

Benji was knocked down. Worse, he thought smiling while on his ass would be enough to help him rise again. Whether he wanted to hear it or not, he'd always been a sensitive boy. Tough, macho, angry, and violent but sensitive all the same.

Her sweet boyfriend, with all his cracks showing, needed something she didn't know how to provide, and it hurt her to know that. It hurt even more to know he wouldn't even let her try.

"Exactly. Of course it didn't happen, then its better. You - you wouldn't understand, Rae."

The easy answer then. If she wouldn't understand anyway, then there was no need to explain. He could keep it all tucked away inside his head where only he could see, and it could slowly eat him alive. Her chest tightened a bit when he pulled away, donning his mask again, ready to shut her out.

"Don't," she said, reaching for him again. She tried to pull him to her as she'd done before, albeit without the firm...assertiveness from earlier. "You're doing it again, even if you don't mean to. You're shutting the door and saying it's all for you to figure out. That I should sit and wait for you to be better and pretend it's business as usual until then when not even you're acting like that."

'Business as usual' hadn't existed for months. Sure, they still hungout; they still carved out little private moments for themselves, but it wasn't the same and she wouldn't sit around pretending it was while he drowned under the tides of whatever strong emotions kept pulling him under.

"It's not better. You don't understand." Benji had been through a lot, but this was a first. "You don't get that if she says it didn't happen and you say it didn't happen, then it doesn't matter if you 'win' because she wins bigger. She gets to write the story for you and tell it any way she'd like." She already was. She'd thrown it back in Rae's face, disparaging and mocking Benji when their father couldn't hear. There was...a good reason...the girls no longer shared an apartment within the manor.

Some things were beyond reconciliation.

"You give her the ground to trample you into; you tell her you'll take her shit if it means you get to pretend. You deserve better than that."

Didn't he already live inside his head? There was an entire world behind hazel irises that held the landscapes Benji traversed on a daily basis, where he mulled over the mechanisms that dictated his moods and days. Was he miserable? He guessed he couldn't say he was. He was fine, really. Just...trying to work through things and it made him quieter he supposed.

His girlfriend - as avoidant as she had been when they'd first met at eleven years old - was more insistent than ever over the past year that they converse and talk through the things that troubled him, and he was trying, truly. At least he felt like he was. Some things were easier to discuss, but this felt far too complicated.

And truth be told, he felt humiliated and emasculated, though he'd never say it out loud. What had happened was something he should have been able to stop. The fact that he hadn't been able to only served to further push the boy into the mindset that he wasn't as strong and manly that he'd thought himself to be.

It was incredible how one night could weaken the foundation he'd laid over years of surviving abuse and violence. And if it was so easily shaken, it made the boy think it'd never been that strong to begin with.

"You're doing it again, even if you don't mean to. You're shutting the door and saying it's all for you to figure out. That I should sit and wait for you to be better and pretend it's business as usual until then when not even you're acting like that."

He sighed, but let her pull him back to her. He loved her, and all of the ways she was gentle and understanding with him. Rae was a natural nurturer and he knew that she just wanted to help. He didn't know how to answer, so he didn't.

He didn't like her idea that if he put it out of his mind it meant that Lucy got away with it. It didn't, as far as he was concerned. She still knew what she did. His family knew what she did. Her family knew what she did. No matter how Benji handled it, it didn't change those facts.

"You give her the ground to trample you into; you tell her you'll take her shit if it means you get to pretend. You deserve better than that."

"I'm not giving her anything," Benji argued, finding himself growing less and less patient. Not with Rae, or with her attempts to help, but with the whole situation and the way he couldn't reconcile his own feelings.

But...he needed to try. He knew that. It had been nearly three months. He just didn't know what else to do. "So what do you suggest?" he asked, a little more annoyance lacing his tongue than he meant, but he was quickly finding the end of his rope. "Because I'm at a loss here, Rae."

"I'm not giving her anything."

"You're right, she already has it." In Benji's world, the narrative had already been set, and all he could do was play along. It was the same when his uncle had tried telling him who he needed to be. He set his mind to thinking there was nothing to be done and always managed to convince himself that he should white-knuckle his way through. It had been the same with Al-Tajir. He accepted the man's abuse, believing it was how things had to be and that he was stronger if he gritted his teeth and bore it.

Boys and their egos, or perhaps it was the majority of the world. It was a curious thing. So many seemed afraid to raise hell and scream bloody murder. She used to be like that, thinking that quiet and amenable meant keepable and that not making waves and burying it was how one survived. Then she discovered the joys of being loud and offensive. It had been such a simple thing, but it felt so good.

If she wasn't having a good time, no one was having a good time.

Benji was being the perfect victim; one that stayed out of her father's way, caused no further trouble, swallowed the story and never forced any of them to think about it again. They'd do it again in a heartbeat. The very next time they thought it was necessary, knowing full well that Benji would nod and keep it to himself. Lucy wasn't meant to, but Rae had caught her whispering to her friends about how crazed Benji was for her – how he'd thrown himself at her and she'd had to do everything she could to hold on to her fictional virtue. They'd all giggled, treating it like one of her trashy novels she thought their father didn't know she was reading.

"Lucy's been going around saying whatever she'd like, while you sit here telling yourself it never happened." So much for not talking about her. "She's got your silence and even you warning you off telling your story. There'll be no one left to challenge her." Well, almost no one. Rae wouldn't be bridled.

Rae scowled even as he moved to let her wrap her arms around him again.

"So what do you suggest? Because I'm at a loss here, Rae."

It was the question of the century, and she wasn't sure she fully had the answer. Everything was so much easier to say than to do. She could give him a laundry list of things that sounded good on paper, but in practice? How many of them would work?

She cupped his face, her thumbs moving to smooth the wrinkles that appeared in his brows. He was losing his patience. Merlin only knew how much longer she had.

"It happened. Stop telling yourself it didn't. You're stronger than that. It happened, and you survived. That's way more impressive than someone who was never hurt to begin with. Admit it hurts, even just to yourself." He didn't need to tell her. Rae had already watched him cycle through his emotions. "You don't have to go shouting your emotions into the sky for everyone to hear," she'd silencio him herself if she caught him trying, "but you owe you the truth. Then you gotta be nicer to you. It wasn't your fault." Even if she had insisted he avoid her sister. He never listened. Always wanting to be nice to girls; cared too much about hurting their feelings. Her sister had no feelings outside of spite and entitlement. "Don't take the fall for something she did. Move on, not because 'nothing happened' but because that something isn't enough to stop you."

Why the boy chose self-loathing over petty vengeance, she would never understand. It was fine, she had enough fire burning for them both and she would burn it all down for him. Rae did want Benji picking himself up, but only if he did it with strength, not hiding behind a false reality.

The latter shattered far too easily.

It was that easy then? Lucy won just because he didn't want to bother himself with it? Fine, then she won he guessed. It didn't matter, he supposed. She could say whatever the fuck she wanted. He'd be a duke one day, and an auror. He'd be too damn busy trying to take care of Rae and his family to give a fuck what Lucy said or thought.

He understood that Rae saw things differently. Where Benji ignored, Rae seethed. Where Benji went quiet, Rae screamed. He knew his girlfriend wanted vengeance and for her 'sister' to be held accountable to the things she'd done, and while he could appreciate the sentiment and agree that those things should happen, the Hufflepuff wasn't in any place to ensure they did.

When she cupped his face, he forced himself to look at her again, and not give any weight to the impatience coursing through him. Why? Why did every summer have to be a piece of shit, and why did his girlfriend always have to pull him out of it?

It was a pattern he was beginning to see and one he'd be happy to leave behind sooner rather than later.

"It happened. Stop telling yourself it didn't. You're stronger than that. It happened, and you survived. That's way more impressive than someone who was never hurt to begin with. Admit it hurts, even just to yourself."

He...he didn't know if he could or what would happen if he did. If he let himself feel everything - really feel it - then what? What did he do if he fell apart? What happened next? Would he be able to pull himself back together?

"Don't take the fall for something she did. Move on, not because 'nothing happened' but because that something isn't enough to stop you."

He was quiet for a moment, letting her words really absorb into his skin and settle themselves in his mind. When Benji thought about the things he'd endured, the things Kate and Rae endured that he couldn't protect them from, it seemed incredibly overwhelming. Not in the way that he couldn't carry it, but in the way of trying to understand why.

Benji was always looking for the why, and the answers never came. Maybe that was the answer in itself. Sometimes really bad shit happened, and there wasn't a reason for it. Maybe shitty people were just shitty people, and that wasn't on any of them to try and understand.

Rae was right. He was better than this, even if he didn't necessarily feel like he was at the moment. He had to do better. He was fifteen now, not a little kid who was still afraid of the dark. It was time to be a man and face the things that scared him. Otherwise, how could he ever call himself brave?

"Okay," he agreed with a slight nod, and slid himself to the floor of the library, taking Rae with him. "I want to, I guess..." he paused for a moment, not to stall but to really think about his next words. He was getting better at that part at least. "I guess I just hate the idea that I was stupid enough to let something like that happen. I know you say it's not my fault and I guess it isn't. But I should have known better when it came to her."

"You were being a good, decent person," Rae countered.

In her experience, those people did tend to be stupid, but not because of any inherent lack of intelligence or moral failing. Good, decent people often had a hard time putting themselves in the minds of those who...well...weren't. Someone had tried telling her once that that was a good thing. They'd insisted that if you could understand the mind of evil, it meant you harboured it, too.

It was a crock of dragon dung.

Understanding evil meant being able to anticipate and sidestep it. It meant learning how to trap it like an animal and watch it squirm the way it wanted you to do. Maybe it meant she wasn't a good person. Maybe by the time the streets had relinquished her, she'd already seen and done enough to lose that wholesome goodness others strived for. But she survived, and that was better for her than any arbitrary goalposts on goodness.

Rae let herself sink to the ground with him, willing to forget their cache of books waiting to be returned for now. She took his arm and wrapped it around her shoulder so that she could nestle into his side.

"You're right; there are people who wouldn't have fallen for Lucy's dirty tricks, but a lot of those people are bitter and have a hard time still seeing any good in the world." Rae...had accepted that she was one of them. The girl still found magic in her daily life, but it was carefully crafted and deliberate. Benji had probably been hoping for the best, wanting everything to be alright and for everyone to have a peaceful stay at the estate for the pair of weeks they'd be there. She went into everything expecting the worst, bracing for it, while taking whatever she could before the final collapse.

"You wanted things to be good, not awkward, not rude, not full of uncomfortable feelings everyone would have to sit with. That's who you are. You like fixing things and making everyone happy even when it doesn't make you happy."

'The life of the party', that's what they'd all thought about him. A 12-year-old with liquor bottles clenched inside his fists, yelling louder than everyone else while they cheered. If they were happy, he thought it would make him happy, too. Benji had cannibalised himself for the benefit of people who never checked in on him when the revelry was over and had paid for it this time.

"But you know what?" She tipped her head to look up at him. "I think that means you're stronger. You don't let stuff like that stop you from being good. You don't let other people turn you into a mirror of themselves. You weren't stupid for being nice and taking her drink. You were showing that despite everything she is and has been, you were willing to be the bigger person. She took advantage of that in a room full of people who'd have made faces at you for insulting her. It was a bad situation, but it didn't have anything to do with you...not really. You were dragged into it because of someone else's shit."

Some of it was her shit.

The sisters had been feuding since the moment they'd met. Benji was the latest casualty. Lucy would've done anything to gain the upper hand, but soon, she would realise that Ruth Anaya Elliot held the same standards.

A good person.

A good person.

Benji had never given much thought to the idea - whether he was a good person or bad. He was just him and he did his best to maneuver the world that had been placed in front of him. He knew there were bad people of course - had known plenty of them, despite their self-convincing posturing that their actions justified the means.

Benji wasn't someone that did bad things for the hell of it. He didn't do things that he knew could hurt people - aside from the occasional schoolyard fight, but what boy didn't get into those? Even Ren - quiet and nerdy as he was - had fought him once.

But he also had no illusions that he was a stand-up guy. He'd hurt Rae, more times than he'd ever wanted to. He'd ignored good advice and the laments and concerns of his mother in pursuit of a better time for himself. He could be extremely selfish, hypocritical and a straight up asshole if he wanted to be.

But he'd never done what Lucy had. He had tried to be cordial with her, for the sake of Rae and her family. Tried to politely remove himself from her clutches at every turn.

"You wanted things to be good, not awkward, not rude, not full of uncomfortable feelings everyone would have to sit with. That's who you are. You like fixing things and making everyone happy even when it doesn't make you happy."

He...did do those things, and she wasn't wrong. Benji wanted the people he loved to be happy, even if he was also all of the things he had formerly listed. At the end of the day, he was nuanced and faults didn't negate all of the good things about him.

"I think that means you're stronger. You don't let stuff like that stop you from being good. You don't let other people turn you into a mirror of themselves. You weren't stupid for being nice and taking her drink. You were showing that despite everything she is and has been, you were willing to be the bigger person."

Benji swallowed hard, dropping his gaze from her, and hugged her a little tighter. "You're pretty incredible you know that?" he muttered, feeling a lump harden in his throat. Of all the people he'd ever known, the friends he'd had at one point or another, the guardians and parents he had - the only one who really saw him, who really understood every facet of who he was and loved him anyway, was Rae.

She wasn't angry with him. She didn't blame him. She didn't cast judgement on him for what he could or should have done. She just loved him, and held him and reassured him that he was stronger than he thought. If she had that much faith in him after everything, then she couldn't be wrong, could she?

Maybe she was right.

"I think I just want to get past it. Like everything else you know? Can't always let bad shit tear down all the good you've done. It just feels like every time I make some progress, some new bullshit happens." He paused. "And I'm not saying that for pity or to feel sorry for myself because I don't. It's just really fucking hard, when it feels like all I do is fight."

To be seen. To be heard. To exist.

Rae of all people knew what he meant.

"I have this position now where I can be my own man and call all the shots. And I still feel like I'm fighting to be worthy of it. So I can take care of us both. But how can I do that when something like this pulls me back under?"

It was the most vulnerable and honest he had probably ever been. Rae had seen him be real before. She had seen him lose his shit and freak out. But this was calm, resigned, and...just talking. That's what they said they would do right?

Moisture pricked at the corner of his eyes, but he absolutely refused to give in to them. He wasn't that weak emotional little boy anymore.

"I can't believe I'm back here again."

"You're pretty incredible you know that?"

Rae soaked in the compliment, not because she'd been feeling particularly down and in need of reminders about who she was, but because they were a symptom of something lifting within him. This wouldn't be fixed in one night. Hell, it wouldn't be fixed in one week, but Benji's words told more than she thought even he realised. There would be no need to think she was incredible unless her words or her presence was already doing something 'incredible' for him.

It was the small steps that would matter. She knew that firsthand. The grand gestures, the bold declarations, they tended to last for a night before disappearing with the mist at dawn.

"You are, too, even when you don't like to believe it. This...what happened, it doesn't make it less true." All it did was lower Lucy's humanity and make it a little easier for Rae to dismiss the notion they were sisters and that that should mean something. But Benji? He stayed incredible to her. He stayed being the boy who made her insides warm and had her feeling like she was more than where she'd been.

"And I'm not saying that for pity or to feel sorry for myself because I don't. It's just really fucking hard, when it feels like all I do is fight."

"I don't pity you," she quietly assured him. "And I never thought you were sitting around pitying yourself either. If anything, I think you've been a lot harder on yourself than you've had reason to be, and if you keep bullying my boyfriend, I'll find a way to break your jaw." The boy walked around with all these expectations. Some had been placed on him by others, but so many of them had been placed on him by himself.

His own words confirmed that only a moment later. The world had been placed on his shoulder, and he'd been trying to balance it ever since.

"Shhh." She nuzzled her face into his neck, wanting to offer him all the comfort she could. "No one else gets to decide how worthy you are. Only you. You know how we are, yeah? We've never given too shits about what rich sods in their ivory towers think of kids like us. There's a lot more riding on those rich sods now, but...even then...whether we fail, whether we run an empire, it's not because we weren't good enough or 'worthy' by their standards; it's because we said 'fuck it' and decided we'd rather see it all burn."

A less appealing option for him, she knew. He had his sister he had to think about, but Rae still meant it. "If we keep using their yardsticks to measure ourselves, we'll never be enough." There would always be need for more.

"I can't believe I'm back here again."

"You're not."

She eased away from him to meet his gaze. "Benji, you can't believe you're in the same place you were at 11 or...or even 13. I don't believe it, and I don't think you do either. You're in a different place, and it's harder, and maybe you wanna try the same things that always 'worked' before because it feels familiar enough, but it's not true. None of it. You're not 'here again' but you're still someplace that doesn't feel good. We'll leave it, too, just like we left all the other places."

Rae hesitated a moment, looking back to the cart full of books they were meant to be returning. Theirs was the last shift of the night before curfew. If they didn't, no one else would pack the books away.

Yet...she felt a change of pace was needed. The Slytherin untangled herself from her boyfriend, then rose to her feet. She extended her hand to him, wiggling her fingers invitingly.

"Come on. Let the books take care of themselves for the night."

His warm hand enveloped hers, Benji being unwilling to fight. She led them both from the library, already having the perfect place in mind for the boy who just needed the world to stop for a little.